Tag Archives: things kids say

But wait, there’s more.

“Humor is the great thing, the saving thing.  The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.”  ~Mark Twain

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Door-to-Door Meat

I have a confession to make.  And this may come as a shock to y’all.

Yesterday, I bought meat from off the back of a truck. 

I know, I can’t believe it myself.  But it’s true.

A knock came at the door about 2:45.  I figured it was the neighbor girl wanting to play with Emma, so I answered the door.  And, dang it, I was cornered.  Not by a 10 year old little girl, but by a man.  A man selling meat.

These two guys came around the neighborhood in their little blue pick-‘ em-up truck with their freezer on the back of it selling FDA approved prime choice cuts of meat.  (How in the world they were powering up their freezer, I’ll never know).  This guy was a salesman like none I’d ever seen before.  He was a freakin’ meat salesman!  And I thought I talked fast.  Man, this dude could talk me under the table.  I could hardly see straight.  If there were Oscars for meat sales, this guy would be up there reading his little speech, thanking his mama for all her love and support in his meat endeavors.  Interestingly, there was something really endearing about this guy.  Go figure.

Of course he showed me the steaks first.  Delmonicos, Filet Mignon, hamburger patties, Ribeyes and New York Strips–one box of each in one giant box.  Don’t eat much beef?  That’s no problem.  We’ve got chicken too!  Chicken Cordon Bleu, Boneless, skinless breasts of chicken individually packaged to meet your individual needs.  Plain, Teriyaki, Catalina (whatever the heck that is), Cacciatore and whatever else you can think of (again, with boxes of each, inside the larger box).  And all it takes is $285–per giant box.  Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me?!  But wait!  If you buy the giant beef box, I’ll give you the giant chicken box for FREE.  All for, you guessed it, $285.  Never mind I have a second home in Iowa I’m still trying to sell.  And never mind we are a one income family.  But wait!  If that’s too much money, I’ll give you the $20 off special and you can have it all for $265!  I could barely keep myself from jumping on those boxes of frozen meat, y’all!  I’m telling you!  And so it went. Of course he finally agreed to break up the giant box and sell the smaller boxes separately.  Poor guy really needed to unload some meat, I reckon.  So, I picked up some Ribeyes and some Fillet mignon for $60…figuring to about $3 per cut of meat.  I thought it wasn’t such a bad deal.  I’ll let you know after we’ve eaten it. 

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Night Moves

Night before last, we’re all crashed out.  Getting some good sleep.  Next thing I know, Jiffy is going berserko! She is barking and trying to jump up on the bed with us.  Her legs are just too doggone short, though.  In all the commotion, it took a couple of minutes to hear this “tweeeet” sound coming from inside our room somewhere.  And in my fog, I realized that the smoke detector was telling us it wanted a new battery.  And oh yeah, it’s 4 am!!!!  So, the smoke detector is “tweeting”, Jiffy is going crazy and then we hear the kids stirring.  CRAP.  Clyn goes to get a chair and just can’t reach the smoke detector waaay up on our 9 ft ceiling.  He goes to the other room, gets a “kid table” and proceeds to put the chair ON TOP OF the little table.  Now, I ask you, is this not an emergency room trip waiting to happen??  OY.  He removes the battery.  Meanwhile, Jiffy is continuing to try to jump up on the bed, but is only succeeding in WHACKING her head on the side of the bed frame, like about 10 times.  I was still not fully conscious.  But I reached over and grabbed her little white self and pulled her up on the bed with me…careful that she did not touch our new bedding!  All I need is little white hairs all over my beautiful new bed!  She proceeds to put her butt up by my head and both front paws up on my jugular!  She is in complete panic mode.  Clyn presses the TEST button and all the smoke detectors chime together in harmony, causing Jacob to holler out, “Why did you do THAT for??!”  I finally get up, so I can breathe because Jiffy has nearly cut off my circulation, and to go on a quest to find a 9 volt battery.  Even without the battery, the dang smoke detector keeps right on “tweeting”!  I’m afraid Clyn is about to rip the thing clean out of the ceiling just to make it shut up, so I hurry out of the bedroom to go find that battery.  Then I see Emma coming out of her room saying “When are y’all going to make that thing STOP?”  I tell her Daddy is trying his best.  I’m a little bit nauseous at being startled awake and having to navigate stairs at such an ungodly hour.  As I go down the stairs, I beg Clyn not to destroy the thing.  I find the battery, he puts it in and the thing WON’T STOP TWEETING!  It’s actually getting funny to me now.  I send Jiffy in to Emma’s room with her, partly to get her off our backs and to help calm the dog down.  Finally, Clyn pushes the TEST button again and we wait…Jacob says “Why did you push that AGAIIIIN?!”  We wait…and, nothing.  Sweet silence.  I am very proud of my hubby.  He fixed it!  Then, I’m thinking, if we can just all get back off to sleep again.  And then I’m thinking, I better run out asap and get some more 9 volts because you KNOW the rest of those suckers are gonna blow any minute!  And then,  I’m thanking God that we aren’t spending the rest of the night in the ER!  Trust me when I say,  I had a little trouble dozing back off because I started “thinking” too much.

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How You Spell Relief: E-M-M-A

I‘m heading out for my annual trip tomorrow.  I am SO excited.  And it is always wonderful.  And I am so blessed and thankful that I have my a sweet husband.  It’s because of him that I am able to go.  He has to do a lot of things that he doesn’t normally do while I am gone.  And that adds a lot to his already very full plate.  But, as excited as I always am about this trip, I become equally stressed about getting ready to leave.  Every year, without fail. For you people who have a j-o-b outside the home, it’s kinda like this:   You know when you are getting ready to be gone from work for a few days and there is all the work you have to do BEFORE you leave in order to be gone.  And then you know all the work that will be piling up and waiting for you upon your return.  Well, it’s kinda like that.  So, this evening, after I’ve spent all day making arrangements for the kids and sending emails to various school people and grocery shopping to be sure the house is well-stocked with junk food, paid bills, updated “the Pod” for the journey, done laundry, cleaned out the car, printed out directions, packed my stuff and blah blah blah….and then I’m cooking dinner, I’m kinda tired and trying to remember if I’ve forgotten anything major that needs taking care of before I am gone.  Suddenly, Emma says, “Hey Mom, can I take out the trash?”  WHAT?  Who is this kid?  “Of course.  Thanks baby!”  So Emma takes the trash out.  So sweet.  She comes back in and I’m standing at the stove.  She’s standing next to me.  All of a sudden, in the background, I hear the Hannah Montana theme song cranking up on Disney channel…“You get the limo out front…Hottest styles, every shoe, every color…”  Suddenly, Emma starts rocking out.  I wish you could have seen her.  It was HYSTERICAL.  She was singing it and dancing around. “…Yeah, when you’re famous it can be kinda fun…It’s really you but no one ever discovers…Who would have thought that a girl like me…Could double as a super staaaaaar…You get the best of both worlds…”  About this time I was cracking up.  I had myself a little mini-Montana sprouting up right before my very eyes!  I had to sing along and rock out with her…it was contagious.  Then, a few minutes after the “show”, I walked over to the pantry (for what, I do not know) and Emma comes up behind me and she says, “Mom, do you need a massage?” and she starts rubbing my shoulders!  I was like “YEAH! How did you know I needed that?”  She said, “Oh, you just looked a little tense.”  Seriously.  My 9 yr old daughter told me I was looking tense!  She gave me a little shoulder rub…which was fabulous, by the way.  It’s funny how your kids can read you like that.  Never, ever think for one minute that your kids don’t know how you are feeling.  She read me LIKE A BOOK!  And she knew just the right thing that would make me feel better.  She is one amazing kid. 

So I’m off to the mountains.  Pray for Big Red.  She’s got some miles to go to get me there! 

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“A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future.”  ~Author Unknown

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Filed under Day to Day, Humor, Kids

You’re a good man, Charlie Brown

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself.  There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth.  So what the hell, leap.”  ~Cynthia Heimel, “Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics”

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My funny son.  Today, he has nicknamed his sister and her friend “Loud and Louder”. 

And I have to say, I completely agree.  Except I might even go one step further and call them “Louder and Loudest”. 

I realize they were only trying to have some fun, driving the Barbie car around the house, through the kitchen, through the computer room (right behind my noise sensitive child, no less), through the foyer…hollering all the while.  Literally hollering.  It’s no exaggeration.  Who am I to try and stop a little 9-year-old girl fun?? Who am I to stop Barbie and her friends from driving right under my feet while I am slaving away over the post-sleepover pancakes and turkey bacon?  But then Jacob comes off with the Loud and Louder comment and all I could do was laugh.  Oh the things my kids say.

This afternoon, Emma and I went to a birthday party for one of the boys in her class.  It was held at the boy’s church and there were gobs of people there…kids and adults.  Emma had asked me if I was going to stay at the party.  I think she was very afraid that she would be the only girl there.  We are getting to “that age”, after all.  I told her I would stay if she really wanted me to.  (She did.)  Turns out there was only one other girl from their class there and the others were boys from their class and some other friends of the boy.  The other little girl’s mom decided to stick around too.  They were going to play kickball, eat pizza and cake (when have I ever turned down cake??) and do presents, etc.  When they were picking teams for the kickball game, the birthday boy’s mom asked if I was going to play.  I said sure, why not.  What’s a little humiliation among a bunch of 9 and 10 yr olds?  No biggie. 

Keep in mind, I have not played kickball since I was probably in the 6th grade.  That was a little while ago.  And I don’t know about all of y’all, but I have some pretty scarring kickball memories from back in the day.  It’s like one of those recurring nightmares where you get up to kick and you totally miss the ball altogether and end up flat on your back (a la Charlie Brown—Aaaaarrrrrrgh!  Good grief! Darn you, Lucy!!) or you suddenly look down and realize you’re in your underwear or you are the last pick or whatever.  I was never picked first.  Yeah, I know, boo hoo, poor me.  Granted I was not very athletic.  But I was always SO nervous when it was my kick.  Oh the pressure!  It’s vastly different playing kickball as a 38 year old woman.  All that anxiety of looking like a fool is SO over.  I am a dorky gal, and proud of it!  And that, my friends, is quite liberating.

I had a blast today.  The mom of the other little girl and I were the only moms to play.  (The birthday boy’s dad was “all time pitcher”…not a bad gig.  I forgot what a workout kickball could be!)She and I both agreed that it was so much fun.  Looking a fool and all! 

Oh to know then what I know now.  Be willing to look foolish.  Be willing to laugh at yourself.  Enjoy whatever it is you are doing in that moment.  Find the joy.  Take chances.  So what if you fall flat on your back when you take that chance.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  Get up and laugh at yourself and get on with the business of having fun.  You never have any fun if you walk around being scared all the time–You never have any fun AND you never learn anything.  Who knew you could learn so much from a game of kickball?

I’m not sure if Charlie Brown was persistent or just plain dumb.  Actually, I think he was really a very clinically depressed individual.  But, whatever.  At least he took the chance and believed that maybe, just maybe, TODAY would be the day he would actually get to kick that ball.

 

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“Many great ideas have been lost because the people who had them could not stand being laughed at.”  ~Author Unknown

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Filed under Lessons

Pox–day 2

“A pox on the phony king of England! Oo-de-lally!” ~Robin Hood

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I just can’t stop thinking about the Disney animated movie, Robin Hood.  You know, where they sing that song…”a pox on the phony King of England”…oh, you don’t know?  Well, maybe someone out there will know what I’m talking about, but if not, just know that it is running a constant loop in my brain.

Thanks to all for your sympathetic comments.  They are much appreciated.  And truly, as always, I see the humor in it all.  No, we can’t seem to catch a break, but DANG…To be sure we have to soon.  Ever the optimist.

I dropped Jacob off at school today and then stopped over at the elementary school to pick up Emma’s schoolwork…much to her dismay!   So after I’m loaded down with 4th grade work, I head home.  Emma is up when I return and looks like she feels better today, but, of course we’ve added a few more pox.  The original 5 are quite itchy though.  I think we’re off for an oatmeal bath in a few.

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As I was typing the previous sentence, Emma came in here and asked me what I was doing.  She said the “fake itching” wasn’t working.  She said, “I just want to RAKE RAKE RAKE over my whole body!!!”  ( I confess that I chuckled as she demonstrated what the “rake rake rake” would look like.)  Poor kid.  So I took a break, and Emma took the oatmeal plunge.  She said it was nasty.  Who am I to disagree?  It looked nasty.  In my most convincing “mom voice”, I assured her it would help.   She said she was cold.  I told her we’d snuggle after.  No dice.  I even tried singing a little Hannah Montana “Best of Both Worlds” to her…I rocked it, baby.  C’mon.  Who can resist a crazy mom singing Hannah Montana??  She did crack a smile, but the complaints continued.  Frankly, I can’t blame her.  Now she’s all hopped up on benadryl and “Tom and Jerry”.  And hopefully the benadryl will kick in soon, so she won’t have to RAKE RAKE RAKE…at least for a couple of hours anyway.

It’s funny, I find myself quite itchy too.  It’s kinda like the lice where my head was itching like crazy and I was sure that I had contracted the little critters myself.  Sympathetic itching or something like that.  Akin to sympathetic pregnancy weight gain, phantom pains and the like.  At least with the pox, I know I can’t catch it.  I’ve decided I’d rather have the pox than head lice any day.

(I’m suddenly hearing a “Mama, I’m itchy” call from the other room.)

She doesn’t look too miserable, eh?  Here she is in her cozy spot on the couch.  No pox on the face or arms yet, so she’s looking pretty good.  I warned her it will probably get worse before it gets better.  She has pulled Jiffy up on the couch with her.  “Mom, can dogs get the chicken pox?”  Hmm.  I guess we’ll find out.

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Filed under Emma, Humor