Tag Archives: southern

Welcome to the South: The Land of White Lies

“Every lie is two lies — the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it.” ~Robert Brault

If you want to do something to make my mama mad, just go ahead and lie to her. My mama values honesty and integrity. She believes that you should tell the truth and do what you say you are going to do. Nothing wrong with that! She is right.

And that is how I was raised. I think that is why I hate politics so much. But I suppose that is a different post.

The thing about telling lies is, that you think you have covered up the truth. However, by lying, you have not made the truth any less true, a little more obscure, maybe, but still true. The truth is still out there, following you around. And it has a way of eventually finding you. And biting you on the behind.

I was raised in the South. The land of sweet tea and “yes, ma’am” and “no, ma’am.” The land of small towns where everybody knows your business and most girls have two first names like “Mary Beth” or “Anna Grace.” The land where “Hey, y’all!” and  “Aww! Don’t you look pretty today!” (whether true or not) are common greetings.

Sometimes I think the South is the Land of White Lies. The land where telling half truths or slathering the truth in some sort of weird non-compliment is the norm—always stated in a sing-song-y tone of voice and punctuated with a smile, of course.

We are the masters of obscuring the truth. You know, ‘cause we wouldn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, now, would we?

Funny Courtesy Hello Ecard: Just have to remember to say 'Bless Her Heart.' All is forgiven then.

(image credit: someecards)

Let me submit these to you:

What she said: Bless her heart. What she meant: Lord have mercy, she is a train wreck!

What she said: Well, now THAT is a hairdo! What she meant: You should get your money back, honey, ‘cause you are lookin’ a sight!

What she said: Well, now, look at YOU! What she meant: Really? You chose to wear your pajama pants out in public?

What she said: What a sweet baby! What she meant: That is the scariest lookin’ child I have ever seen!

What she said: No, honey, that doesn’t make your butt look big—it makes  your waist look really small! What she meant: Wow, your butt is really big. You should burn that outfit NOW.

Truth be told, my mama never took to this practice. She just didn’t have the time for any fake-y behavior or for folks who engaged in such behavior. And I don’t subscribe to it myself, not as a general practice. But I would be lying if I said I never used the “Bless her heart” line.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a Southern Girl! I appreciate the ability to say difficult things with a smile and as much sweetness as I can muster. Some of us can speak the truth in love without lying or being unkind.

Some Southerners are just plain mean in all their syrup-y so-called sweetness and someone, let’s say a non-Southerner, after being told off by some sweet ole Southern Belle, won’t even know what hit ‘em! They walk away all confused and about ten minutes later it hits them—“Wait a minute! She just said my butt looked big…to my face!” 

All Southerners are not that way, of course. But we are human. And in our humanity, we all lie at times. I am guilty too—even in all my inbred belief in honesty and integrity, I am imperfect.

Yes, I lied to my parents when I was a teenager—many times. (Sorry, Mama!) Yes, I taught my kids to believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Yes, I have told someone they look great when maybe they did not. (Not any of you reading this.)  And yes, those are lies.

As much as I believe in honesty, I also believe in mercy and second chances. I have been forgiven so much…and continue to be forgiven every time I lie or screw up in some other way, as I am often wont to do. And I am sure I will tell someone at some point in the future, “Yes, that IS a great outfit!” Or maybe I just won’t say anything at all. Bless my heart.

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This is my offering for Two Shoes Tuesday. Each week, Josie gives two word prompts to choose from and you must include one or both of them  in an original essay, poem or story. You can use them as a theme or the words themselves. This week’s words were white and lies.

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Filed under Humor, Two Shoes Tuesday

Dear Bigelow. Day 13

What will I do without you???Dear Bigelow Tea People,

SIGH.

Today, I am sad. You have made me sad.

I recently resurrected my hot tea addiction. Mainly, because I made a new friend who just moved back to the US from the UK and because all those Brits love them some hot tea. And I was feeling all British and inspired to revisit my love of tea. So, I ditched my dear friend Coffee (Sorry, Friend. It’s nothing personal. I do still love you.) and headed back on the hot tea wagon, to my pantry, and my box of Vanilla Almond tea.

You should know that I am no stranger to tea. I am a good Southern gal. And, as a good Southern gal,  I have a deep love and understanding of tea, mostly of the iced variety. Oh, and, of course, the sweet variety. Because, is there any other kind of iced tea? It flows in my veins, as it should all good Southerners. It’s as natural to me as Y’all and Bless Your Heart. But, my hot beverage of choice has been Coffee, lo, these last five years. That is until my recent foray back to hot tea, which I first fell in love with during our brief stint in the Midwest. Which is where I purchased my first box of your Vanilla Almond variety of tea, by the way. Oh, I made my way through many boxes of it before we moved back to the South. But one box had remained unopened in my cabinet since we moved here. Until about 3 weeks ago.

And since you so kindly individually package your tea bags (thank you very much for doing that, by the way), my Vanilla Almond was all nice and fresh when I opened that box which had travelled all the way across the county with me a few years ago.

But now, NOW, I am down to my last Vanilla Almond tea bag! Over the last few days, as I saw that I was running low, I looked for this yumminess at my local grocers. It was NOWHERE. So what did I do? What any techno savvy girl would do…I took to the internet.

Much to my dismay, I discovered that <GASP!> you have discontinued my favorite flavor! How could you??! I mean, I realize that this lone box of tea has been in my pantry for all this time and that if I had truly been faithful in my hot tea drinking, I might have known this in time to say, stock up like one of those crazy disaster-prep people stocks up their bomb shelter. And then I would have oh, maybe 30 or 40 boxes at my disposal, but that is beside the point!

But I digress.

The point is this: what am I to do now? Is there some sort of  Tea Black Market where I can purchase My Precious? And don’t even try to sell me on that Vanilla Chai or Vanilla Caramel or French Vanilla mess! Nope. No way.

I guess I should be thankful that I made a new friend, who rekindled my love of tea—and I am. I guess I should be thankful for the time I had you, Vanilla Almond—oh, I am! You were a good friend. Warming and comforting to the end. Maybe one day, I will find another to love, but until then, farewell, and I will slowly savor my last cup.

Thanks for the memories, Vanilla Almond.

SIGH.

I forgive you, Bigelow. I guess I will be okay.

But if you ever decide to resurrect Vanilla Almond, hook a sister up, okay?

With Affection,

Joell <tear sniff dab>

“Thank God for tea! What would the world do without tea! How did it exist? I am glad I was not born before tea.”
~ Sydney Smith, A memoir of the Rev. Sydney Smith

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Filed under 30 Days of Thankfulness, Humor