Tag Archives: rants

An open letter to my HOA “Management Group”

To Whom It May Concern:

Once again, the pointlessness of my neighborhood HOA dues has been confirmed.  Now, that is something I should thank you for bringing to my attention. 

I received in the mail today another of your “communications”, which are now to the point of being ridiculous.  Have you really reprimanded me for having a folding lawn chair and a baseball bat on my porch?  Your desperation to find covenant violations astounds me.

You state in your communication to me that your management group is “seeking to preserve the integrity and value of the homes within [our] community”.  It seems to me that you are serving only as nit-picking Nazis who are wasting the paper on which your communications are printed, and thus, wasting my HOA dues.  Or perhaps you must only somehow justify your employment and the exorbitant fee you are paid to do your so-called job.  Or maybe you enjoy sending the homeowners in our subdivision into a blind rage every so often.  I haven’t the faintest idea which is the case, although I’m strongly leaning toward the blind rage. 

It is unfortunate that this harassment is part of living in this subdivision, which would otherwise be a very lovely place.  Had we known of your “management”, I assure you, we would not be living in this neighborhood.  If I had a hot pink utility building on my front lawn, or a jacked up rusted out camper on cinderblocks in my driveway, I could understand that you would be interested.  I am amazed that our homeowners dues go toward paying for the policing of miscellaneous small items on my front stoop. 

I believe your time would be better spent policing the vandalism that has been taking place at our pool over the summer.  Or monitoring the damage to some of the signage in the neighborhood.  Or sending nastygrams to the lovely neighbors who shot off fireworks in our neighborhood for the whole month of July.  Now that would be worth paying for.

By the way, your inspection failed to note the two pairs of sneakers on my front porch as well as the dead flowers in my planters and the smattering of leaves on my sidewalk. 

I’m afraid you are falling down on the job.  Tsk. Tsk.

Yours Truly,

Joell

(Shwew, I feel a lot better.)

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Filed under Humor, Rants

We’ve all got something.

“Habit if not resisted, soon becomes necessity.”~ St. Augustine

Ever considered that we’re all a tad OCD? 

It occurred to me today…in the bathroom, no less…as I realized that <gasp> someone had put the toilet paper on the roll WRONG.  Perhaps you were all unaware that there is a right way and and wrong way to replace the empty roll of TP. 

Let me help you. 

WRONG:

 

RIGHT:

You do see the difference, don’t you? 

Of course you do. 

In fact, you may even think that the wrong way is the right way.  You’d be wrong, but that’s beside the point.

Don’t misunderstand me, I was grateful (surprised, but grateful) that anyone other than myself had bothered to replace the empty roll–that I hadn’t sat down, done my business and THEN realized the roll was empty.  When I sat down and looked at that roll of TP wrongly situated, my first thought was, “Awww, yay, somebody put a new roll on.”  And as quickly as that thought had come and gone, I had the sudden and unavoidable compulsion to “fix” it.  I’ve got to admit, it scared me a little bit. 

But not enough to keep me from fixing it.

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The Return of the Nastygram

 

 

What is it with these people?  These "property management" people.  I’d like to manage THEIR property!  Yeah, that’s right.  I’d like to go all ninja on them fellahs right about now.   

As my mind stewed during my post-nastygram-weed-pulling stint, I decided that "these people" have nothing better to do than to go cruising around my ‘hood with their little rulers and magnifying glasses in tow measuring how tall everyone’s grass is.  It must be their way of justifying how much our neighborhood HOA pays them to torture us all. 

You innocently go to your mailbox, only to reach in and realize that "these people" have been SPYING on you.  When?  When did they make their way past my front lawn, screech to a halt, and subjectively determine that my lawn was unsatisfactory?? 

No, we are not one of "those" homeowners with the manicured lawn and perfectly edged curb.  You know the ones.  The ones who live for each Saturday morning, when they can rise with the birds, pull out their shiny "precious" (a la Smeagol/Golum) and sculpt their yard into some kind of Edward Scissorhands-type perfection. All the while ruining a perfectly good Saturday morning sleep-in for the rest of us.  On the other hand, we aren’t the Beverly Hillbillies either…though that could be up for debate, I imagine.  Just ask the Property Management eggheads. 

They send these arbitrary nastygrams and underneath the seemingly pleasant guise of "this is for the good of your neighborhood" lies the not so pleasant statement "pull your freaking weeds or we’ll lay a big fat fine on you".  A lovely sentiment, really.  Makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

SIGH

Oh, to have known about the neighborhood nazis a year ago before we purchased this home.  I’m thinking I would not be living in this ‘hood.   If we hadn’t just unloaded our other house, I’d almost be willing to move.  Almost.

  

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Filed under Rants