“Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.” ~Mark Twain
I have a confession to make. And this may come as a shock to y’all.
Yesterday, I bought meat from off the back of a truck.
I know, I can’t believe it myself. But it’s true.
A knock came at the door about 2:45. I figured it was the neighbor girl wanting to play with Emma, so I answered the door. And, dang it, I was cornered. Not by a 10 year old little girl, but by a man. A man selling meat.
These two guys came around the neighborhood in their little blue pick-‘ em-up truck with their freezer on the back of it selling FDA approved prime choice cuts of meat. (How in the world they were powering up their freezer, I’ll never know). This guy was a salesman like none I’d ever seen before. He was a freakin’ meat salesman! And I thought I talked fast. Man, this dude could talk me under the table. I could hardly see straight. If there were Oscars for meat sales, this guy would be up there reading his little speech, thanking his mama for all her love and support in his meat endeavors. Interestingly, there was something really endearing about this guy. Go figure.
Of course he showed me the steaks first. Delmonicos, Filet Mignon, hamburger patties, Ribeyes and New York Strips–one box of each in one giant box. Don’t eat much beef? That’s no problem. We’ve got chicken too! Chicken Cordon Bleu, Boneless, skinless breasts of chicken individually packaged to meet your individual needs. Plain, Teriyaki, Catalina (whatever the heck that is), Cacciatore and whatever else you can think of (again, with boxes of each, inside the larger box). And all it takes is $285–per giant box. Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me?! But wait! If you buy the giant beef box, I’ll give you the giant chicken box for FREE. All for, you guessed it, $285. Never mind I have a second home in Iowa I’m still trying to sell. And never mind we are a one income family. But wait! If that’s too much money, I’ll give you the $20 off special and you can have it all for $265! I could barely keep myself from jumping on those boxes of frozen meat, y’all! I’m telling you! And so it went. Of course he finally agreed to break up the giant box and sell the smaller boxes separately. Poor guy really needed to unload some meat, I reckon. So, I picked up some Ribeyes and some Fillet mignon for $60…figuring to about $3 per cut of meat. I thought it wasn’t such a bad deal. I’ll let you know after we’ve eaten it.
Night before last, we’re all crashed out. Getting some good sleep. Next thing I know, Jiffy is going berserko! She is barking and trying to jump up on the bed with us. Her legs are just too doggone short, though. In all the commotion, it took a couple of minutes to hear this “tweeeet” sound coming from inside our room somewhere. And in my fog, I realized that the smoke detector was telling us it wanted a new battery. And oh yeah, it’s 4 am!!!! So, the smoke detector is “tweeting”, Jiffy is going crazy and then we hear the kids stirring. CRAP. Clyn goes to get a chair and just can’t reach the smoke detector waaay up on our 9 ft ceiling. He goes to the other room, gets a “kid table” and proceeds to put the chair ON TOP OF the little table. Now, I ask you, is this not an emergency room trip waiting to happen?? OY. He removes the battery. Meanwhile, Jiffy is continuing to try to jump up on the bed, but is only succeeding in WHACKING her head on the side of the bed frame, like about 10 times. I was still not fully conscious. But I reached over and grabbed her little white self and pulled her up on the bed with me…careful that she did not touch our new bedding! All I need is little white hairs all over my beautiful new bed! She proceeds to put her butt up by my head and both front paws up on my jugular! She is in complete panic mode. Clyn presses the TEST button and all the smoke detectors chime together in harmony, causing Jacob to holler out, “Why did you do THAT for??!” I finally get up, so I can breathe because Jiffy has nearly cut off my circulation, and to go on a quest to find a 9 volt battery. Even without the battery, the dang smoke detector keeps right on “tweeting”! I’m afraid Clyn is about to rip the thing clean out of the ceiling just to make it shut up, so I hurry out of the bedroom to go find that battery. Then I see Emma coming out of her room saying “When are y’all going to make that thing STOP?” I tell her Daddy is trying his best. I’m a little bit nauseous at being startled awake and having to navigate stairs at such an ungodly hour. As I go down the stairs, I beg Clyn not to destroy the thing. I find the battery, he puts it in and the thing WON’T STOP TWEETING! It’s actually getting funny to me now. I send Jiffy in to Emma’s room with her, partly to get her off our backs and to help calm the dog down. Finally, Clyn pushes the TEST button again and we wait…Jacob says “Why did you push that AGAIIIIN?!” We wait…and, nothing. Sweet silence. I am very proud of my hubby. He fixed it! Then, I’m thinking, if we can just all get back off to sleep again. And then I’m thinking, I better run out asap and get some more 9 volts because you KNOW the rest of those suckers are gonna blow any minute! And then, I’m thanking God that we aren’t spending the rest of the night in the ER! Trust me when I say, I had a little trouble dozing back off because I started “thinking” too much.
How You Spell Relief: E-M-M-A
I‘m heading out for my annual trip tomorrow. I am SO excited. And it is always wonderful. And I am so blessed and thankful that I have my a sweet husband. It’s because of him that I am able to go. He has to do a lot of things that he doesn’t normally do while I am gone. And that adds a lot to his already very full plate. But, as excited as I always am about this trip, I become equally stressed about getting ready to leave. Every year, without fail. For you people who have a j-o-b outside the home, it’s kinda like this: You know when you are getting ready to be gone from work for a few days and there is all the work you have to do BEFORE you leave in order to be gone. And then you know all the work that will be piling up and waiting for you upon your return. Well, it’s kinda like that. So, this evening, after I’ve spent all day making arrangements for the kids and sending emails to various school people and grocery shopping to be sure the house is well-stocked with junk food, paid bills, updated “the Pod” for the journey, done laundry, cleaned out the car, printed out directions, packed my stuff and blah blah blah….and then I’m cooking dinner, I’m kinda tired and trying to remember if I’ve forgotten anything major that needs taking care of before I am gone. Suddenly, Emma says, “Hey Mom, can I take out the trash?” WHAT? Who is this kid? “Of course. Thanks baby!” So Emma takes the trash out. So sweet. She comes back in and I’m standing at the stove. She’s standing next to me. All of a sudden, in the background, I hear the Hannah Montana theme song cranking up on Disney channel…“You get the limo out front…Hottest styles, every shoe, every color…” Suddenly, Emma starts rocking out. I wish you could have seen her. It was HYSTERICAL. She was singing it and dancing around. “…Yeah, when you’re famous it can be kinda fun…It’s really you but no one ever discovers…Who would have thought that a girl like me…Could double as a super staaaaaar…You get the best of both worlds…” About this time I was cracking up. I had myself a little mini-Montana sprouting up right before my very eyes! I had to sing along and rock out with her…it was contagious. Then, a few minutes after the “show”, I walked over to the pantry (for what, I do not know) and Emma comes up behind me and she says, “Mom, do you need a massage?” and she starts rubbing my shoulders! I was like “YEAH! How did you know I needed that?” She said, “Oh, you just looked a little tense.” Seriously. My 9 yr old daughter told me I was looking tense! She gave me a little shoulder rub…which was fabulous, by the way. It’s funny how your kids can read you like that. Never, ever think for one minute that your kids don’t know how you are feeling. She read me LIKE A BOOK! And she knew just the right thing that would make me feel better. She is one amazing kid.
So I’m off to the mountains. Pray for Big Red. She’s got some miles to go to get me there!
“A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future.” ~Author Unknown