Look again in your heart

Some days are just hard, ya know?

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“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ~Kahlil Gibran

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I read this quote a few times over and really had an “a-ha” moment. Go ahead, read it again.  I’ll wait….

 

“That which has been my delight” is my precious son, Jacob.  I am sorrowful because of his pain.  I haven’t cried about him and his challenges in a while.  But in truth, it is for him that I weep.  I do give myself permission to do it periodically because it is something that I have to grieve as a mother.  I grieve because his autism makes things so hard for him at times, and it pains me to the core to see him struggle.  Really, there are no adequate words to describe how it pains me.  If I could take away his pain, his self-hatred, his struggles, I would do it in a hot minute.  But, understand this, I NEVER wish him to be different than he is.  I don’t ask “why” or try to point fingers at anyone or anything.  He is who he is.  And who he is, is such a tremendous gift to me and brings me so much joy.  He makes me a better person.  But sometimes I am at such a loss.  I don’t know how to convince him of his strengths.  I can’t make him see himself as his Dad and I see him, as God sees him.  When he gets on his one track thought process, well, there’s no derailing him.   

Today has just been one of “those” days.  A hard day at school for Jacob.  A day where we (Jacob and I) are emotionally on edge and the weight of his autism is heavy on him.  And I don’t know how to make it all better.  I can’t slap a band-aid on it.  It’s not a boo-boo I can kiss.  No amount of neosporin in the world will make the cut heal faster or diminish the scar. The invisible scar.  As his mother, I should be able to fix it, right?  That’s what moms do. 

I hold him and tell him I am here for him.  I tell him “we’ll work through it.”  I tell him that there are so many people who love him.  I tell him I understand that he is frustrated, that it’s okay to feel the way you feel, that I know he’s had a hard day, but tomorrow will be better.  All the things I have said a hundred million times before.  Things that I will say a hundred million times more.  My prayer is that one day he will see it for himself.  I feel like if I say it enough times, eventually, he will believe it too.  I pray and I trust God to bring us through.

So I pulled out a CD that has brought me through MANY a difficult day over the last 7 years or so.  It’s by Watermark.  The song “Driven to Humility” hits me hard every time:

Driven to Humility

Christy Nockels, Watermark

I have been chosen to be driven to humility

To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire

And even when I’m sturdy, I pray You’ll keep my knees dirty

May the heart of Your will be my only heart’s desire

One thousand miles of road not taken

Sure I tremble, yet my faith will not be shaken

You’re teaching me, You’re in control

Sure the waves could knock me down but I say let ‘em roll

‘Cause I have been chosen to be driven to humility

To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire

And even when I’m sturdy, I pray You’ll keep my knees dirty

May the heart of Your will be my only heart’s desire

I don’t mean to boast about my tomorrows

But I’m resting in the man who knows my pain and all my sorrows

I have been chosen to be driven to humility

To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire

And even when I’m sturdy, I pray You’ll keep my knees dirty

May the heart of Your will be my only heart’s desire

Well, Your kindness brought repentance

For the years of foolish pride

Sometimes You’ve got to knock me down

Just so I can see the light

I have been chosen to be driven to humility

To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire

And even when I’m sturdy, I pray You’ll keep my knees dirty

May the heart of Your will be my only heart’s desire

I plug that sucker in my walkman and go for a run.  I opted for that instead of raiding the pantry.  I let the words of that song and the many others on that album soak into my head and slowly I feel my head moving back in the right direction.  The direction that allows for my periodic breakdown, but quickly brings things back into perspective:  God is in control.  I am doing the best I can at any given moment.  I’m just a mom who loves her son. 

I remind myself of the words I spoke to my son earlier, “we’ll work through it” and I try to be as compassionate to myself as I am to him.  I remind myself that there are a lot of people who love me and it’s okay to feel the way I feel.  Today’s a hard day, but tomorrow will be better.

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“Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well.  I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” ~Jeremiah 31:13 (NIV)

“…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” ~Psalm 30:5 (NIV)

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2 Comments

Filed under Autism Days

2 responses to “Look again in your heart

  1. Tera

    Joell,
     
    I really appreciate that you visit my blog and leave me comments. I always read them and I appreciate your insight. I\’ve just started on my journey with my autistic son. I feel your pain and I know you feel mine and there is strong comfort in that.  Thank you.
     
    Many blessings,
    Tera

  2. Tiffany

    I felt like I needed to comment on this.  A very good friend of mine has a daughter that has autism.  I\’m reminded everytime I look at my daughter that I have it "easy" so to speak.  I cannot say that I understand because I don\’t.  But, from what I read you are doing what you can to be there for your Son.  You remind me a lot of my friend.  I think it takes very special Mother\’s like you to deal with it.  And, I wish there were MORE Mother\’s out there just like you guys!
     
    Big Hugs to you!
    Keep your head up and just keep loving your Son like you have been!
     
    Tiffany

I always love hearing from you! :-)

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